12th july 2009
The Preamble - It’s been more than a month since I last wrote a journal-style blog entry, and more than two months since the last entry that was decently substantial and coherent enough. Many things have happened, many circumstances have changed, and there is so much that I’ve been thinking about. Having had little opportunity or motivation to write in prose for a very long time, it is evident that many of my sentences tend to be short and disjointed. At times, I struggle to find words that allow me to express myself. It is a seemingly impossible task to organize these thoughts, but I’ll try.
My Primary Activity For 5 Days a Week – Evidently, the secretive and closed-door nature of the organization that I have been conscripted into doesn’t allow me to say very much about what I do for most of the week. But as far as it goes, I’m currently being trained as a medic. I won’t go into a discussion of whether this is really the best use of manpower resources since that only unleashes a torrent of questions about bureaucratic opaqueness. That aside, life isn’t too bad. What I’m doing these days is quite as civilian-like as it can get. Of course, it pales in comparison to performing arts like band – but it would be rude to complain, wouldn’t it?
Motivation – When I’m stuck in circumstances that I’d rather not be in, perhaps the greatest motivation to face each day is the knowledge that beyond the walls of the gated compound, there is something to live for. Knowing that there is something to look forward to at the end of yet another work week, I can wake up each day with a fair amount of optimism, knowing that every moment that passes by is another moment closer to the end of the work week, and doing things that I want to do, and meeting people whom I want to meet. It does sound like I’m stuck in a dead-end job, doesn’t it?
Drink – I think it would suffice to say that I do like to drink a fair bit, especially when there is good company. Among this bunch of friends, I’m especially thankful to those who oblige and join me in this “recreational activity” of mine. But don’t feel obliged to do so – it’s fine with me if you’d like to do something else, just let me know. What matters more to me is your companionship rather than the act of drinking itself.
The Near Future – What lies ahead of me in the near future remains unknown. I do hope that certain things will happen, and my daily routine will change in a way that I would like it to be. But hopes tend to be dashed and predictions proven wrong, especially around here. This is something that I have come to understand over the past 3 months or so. It is a very different set of rules from those which I have played by in the past – rules where effort and determination are rewarded by a system that recognizes your merits.
The Future That I Look Forward To – It will eventually be 14th Feb 2011. Not only will it be Valentine’s Day, but also a day that I will have looked forward to for 22 months. If fate so decides, it will be a doubly joyous occasion. But I will be a contented man even if I have just one reason to celebrate that day. Beyond that day, I will be glad to regain control over my life – my freedom to be who I want to be, do what I want to do, and be where I want to be. I do not know where I will go from then on, but I’ll leave my thoughts on that issue for another day.
Thoughts – I’ll be leaving for another week in that drab, fenced-up compound in about an hour or so. Admittedly, I should be thankful. Things could be a lot worse. But when has the beauty of the human spirit ever been about being content only with “what could be worse” rather than “how things could be made better”? I end this entry with a quote from The Shawshank Redemption, a quote that I have committed to memory.
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
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August 2nd, 2009 at 5:58 pm
hi ben! school is starting in a week’s time let’s meet up before that!
August 2nd, 2009 at 6:27 pm
yes, let’s do! sms me let me know when you guys are free lah.